My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
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Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
🤣😂🤣
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs