opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
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Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
me and the Superbowl rn
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”