Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
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Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I need to update my racial profile.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!