My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
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*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking