A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
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Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Good advice.
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[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
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Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.