A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
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For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous