[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
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I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
[shakes fist at other fist]
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t