buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
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Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Happy birthday to all the women
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word