The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
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Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.