all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
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My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Good morning!
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
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