Good morning!
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“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I hate everything
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.