Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
sliding into dms like
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ