This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
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FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
same energy
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.