Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
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*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name