Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
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This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.