@jarjarsapple

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

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@ItsAndyRyan

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

@thenoahkinsey

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

@wickedimproper

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

@kelkulus

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

@oneawkwardmom

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

@MoneypennyNaked

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

@panmidwest

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

@RandomRamblr

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

@UNDEADTRESOR

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

@notacroc

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name