My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
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“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you