me: why does my back hurt
also me:
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When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
when there are deer in the woods
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.