I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
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Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.