coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
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*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Your secret is safeish with me
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.