I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

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I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting


The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.


1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon


My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.


The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible


SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait


*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*


I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.


Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions