I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
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You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
War & Peace
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today