@T_N_Crumpets

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

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@LindaInDisguise

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

@TheTweetOfGod

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

@Clanopath

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

@gerryhallcomedy

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

@Reverend_Scott

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

@QwertyJones3

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

@Mardigroan

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

@krisv_723

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

@imence2

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.