Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Rival Gang Leader:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
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Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.