Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
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I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay