According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
for all #parents out there
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.