Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
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pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.