sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
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It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.