sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
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Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
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“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
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left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
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My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.