@ch000ch

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

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@jctwritesstuff

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

@withanewname

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

@envydatropic

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

@Tbone7219

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

@JimmerThatisAll

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

@YearOfRat

You can’t spell multitasking without tits. I forget where I was going with this.