friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
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[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes