Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
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Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Ironic
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
All generalizations are stupid.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”