Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
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What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I think about this a lot
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?