Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
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My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.