the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
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I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.