STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open