instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
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hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I feel this so hard
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.