[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
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BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!