@MadHatterMommy

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

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@JeremyTiang

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

@goodgrief_rats

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

@GrantTanaka

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

@karanbirtinna

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

@Parkerlawyer

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

@UncleDuke1969

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

@iLikeCatShirts

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

@rachelle_mandik

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.