Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

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saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone


I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”


[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]


Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?


I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.


Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.


Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.


[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time


i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.