It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
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*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
A short story about romance.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Spell check is for lasers.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.