It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
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Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Mummies are just super modest zombies
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.