Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
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Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
tfw you realize …
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Seems a bit forward
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?