Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
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I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Meow
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.