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The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.