Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
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It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I like crazy people until they notice me
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge