Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
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“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
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Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I love this❤️😁👍
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You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.