Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
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I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Hitlers gonna hitl
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .