Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
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Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Good morning y’all ☀️
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
💁🏻♂️
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids