Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
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In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.