Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
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Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
[montage of me giving-up]
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*