8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
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my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Solving a traffic jam
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
😂😂
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.