😂😂
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It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree