Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
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Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …