my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
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“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Pringles
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!