CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
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These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself