[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
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If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
what’s really going on
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout