Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
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Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own