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Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.