Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
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No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
ibopfufen
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.