When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
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“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
#SaturdayBears
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.