Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

Eve: I’m hungry

Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe

Eve: not this again

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

thanks auntie mary

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.