When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
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Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Welcome to the stomach
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.