Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
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next level snooze
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
They’re on their honeymoon
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question