INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
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[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done