herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
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*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off